When you're not okay

When others ask how you’re doing, how often do you say you’re “fine” or “okay” even when you aren’t? Do you ever put on a mask, pretending all is well, when inside you’re doing all you can just to hold it together? We’ve all heard the phrase, “It’s okay to not be okay,” but do we live as if we really believe it’s true?
 
“It’s okay to not be okay” sounds good. But when the rubber meets the road in our lives, we often revert to living by cultural conditioning that suggests some emotions are “acceptable” to show or share and others are not. Because of this conditioning, many of us have learned to repress, minimize, or ignore difficult feelings such as anger, sadness, and fear. We have learned to say “I’m fine” or “I’m okay” even when we aren’t. We have learned to apologize for our tears. And we have learned that admitting we’re not okay is something to be avoided.
 
Let’s dig beneath the surface of this cultural conditioning and consider some of the reasons we’re reluctant to acknowledge we’re not okay. I’ve heard each of these statements in spiritual direction, and I’ve thought them all myself at one time or another. See if they resonate with you too.
 
10 Reasons I’m Reluctant to Say I’m Not Okay
 

1. I don’t want to appear weak or inadequate.
2. I believe it shows a lack of faith or trust in God.
3. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.
4. I don’t want to be seen as a whiner.
5. I don’t want to seem ungrateful.
6. I’m worried others won’t want to be around me.
7. I know others have it worse than I do.
8. I think to myself, “It’s not so bad.”
9. I think that ignoring my emotions will make them go away.
10. I want to be self-sufficient, not needy.

 
On the surface these “reasons” for being reluctant to admit we’re not okay might seem logical—some even considerate or noble. After all, who wants to be inadequate, weak in faith, a burden, ungrateful, rejected, or needy, right? But here’s the thing. These reasons are actually false excuses because they stem from untruths we have believed about ourselves or others. In other words, they’re based on lies. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be deceived. So, let’s uncover the lies beneath these false excuses:
 
10 Lies That Keep Me from Admitting I’m Not Okay
 

1. Acknowledging that I struggle indicates weakness or inadequacy.
2. Saying I’m not okay shows a lack of faith or trust in God.
3. I am a burden to others when I share what’s hard in my life.
4. Talking about what’s hard is whining.
5. If I talk about what’s hard, then I’m not being grateful for all my blessings.
6. No one will want to be around me if I talk about hard things.
7. I don’t have any reason to talk about what’s hard in my life because others are suffering much worse than I am.
8. I can decrease my pain by not making a big deal about it.
9. Ignoring my feelings makes them go away.
10. I don’t need help.

 
These statements are not as easy to swallow, are they? We can see the deception in them much more readily. Read them out loud and consider what you would think, feel, and say if a friend were to say them to you during a difficult time. Recognizing the lies we have believed about being real with others enables us to see and receive the truth that leads us toward health. So, let’s rewrite these 10 statements once more, this time according to what’s true, making them powerful permission statements.
 
10 Permission Statements for When I’m Not Okay
 

1. Naming the truth of how I’m feeling is a sign of emotional maturity.
2. A strong faith does not mean turning struggles, doubts, or difficult emotions into positive clichés but turning to God in the midst of them with authenticity.
3. Sharing what’s hard in my life with others creates a sense of connection and camaraderie, leading to greater intimacy.
4. Being real about what’s hard helps me to process difficult emotions, rather than get stuck in them. (Whining keeps us stuck in difficult emotions.)
5. I can express what’s hard in my life while also holding gratitude for my blessings.
6. Those who truly care about me want to know the good and the bad and will walk with me through both.
7. My pain is as valid as anyone else’s pain.
8. Minimizing my pain does not lessen it but only masks it.
9. I have to feel it to heal it.
10. I have been created with needs so that I will live in relationship with God and others.

 
These beautiful truths are worth meditating on so they may begin to rewire our brains (transform our minds) and sink deeply into our hearts. Which permission statement resonates most with you? Which one do you need to claim today? Write it on several sticky notes and post them where you will see them throughout the day. Turn it into a breath prayer. Journal about it, pouring out your heart to God in full transparency. Talk about it with a trusted friend, giving yourself permission to share what’s hard for you right now.
 
Here’s the bottom line: Life is hard, and we’re not meant to handle it on our own! We are not meant to be self-sufficient. God created us with needs so that we can survive and thrive in relationship with God and with one another. And that requires being real about how we’re doing—especially when we’re not okay.

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Spiritual Direction Is a Safe Space to Be Real