befriending your emotions

There are many benefits to expressing our emotions in a healthy way, yet most of us struggle to do it. We explored why in last month's blog. (See October 5, "You Have to Feel It to Heal It.") Add in the stressors and expectations of the holiday season, and it can be challenging to manage our emotions this time of year under the best of circumstances, much less if you are navigating difficult circumstances or loss.
 
But what if managing our emotions is an unhelpful concept? What if, rather than managing our emotions, we could simply befriend them instead?

Managing suggests overseeing, supervising, and bearing responsibility for outcomes. It sounds like work! Befriending, on the other hand, suggests acting as a friend, offering help or support. Befriending your emotions is being a compassionate friend to yourself regardless of how you are feeling, offering yourself the same grace and kindness you would extend to a close friend. It's a kinder, gentler approach to healthy emotional expression that enables you to gain understanding about what’s happening within you so you can respond in healthy, beneficial ways.

Instead of having one more thing to manage during the holidays—your emotions—allow yourself to feel what you feel and respond to your emotions with gentleness and kindness. That sounds more inviting, doesn't it? And more doable.

So, practically speaking, how do we do it? What does it look like to befriend our emotions—at holiday time or anytime? Let’s walk through some basic steps together, keeping in mind that they are not necessarily linear.
 
1. Normalize your emotions, including painful ones.
 
Despite cultural tendencies to minimize emotions and apologize for emotional expression, having and expressing emotions is not bad or undesirable. It simply means you’re human. This is especially important to keep in mind when it comes to painful emotions. Because our culture encourages us to “get over it” and move on, we must remind ourselves regularly that it’s okay not to be okay—it’s okay to have painful emotions.
 
Having painful emotions is a necessary part of the human experience. Emotions are gifts of God meant to be our teachers or guides as we become aware of our needs and desires so we can make choices that move us toward emotional health. As Chip Dodd expresses in his book The Voice of the Heart, emotions are like lights on the car dashboard—they tell us what’s going on inside us, pointing us to what needs our attention.

It can be difficult for us to acknowledge painful emotions at the holidays, especially when we think everyone else is celebrating what is said to be "the most wonderful time of the year." But the truth is that despite any song lyric, painful emotions are common this time of year. According to statistics, levels of anxiety and depression increase—not decrease—during the holidays.
 
Rather than trying to downplay or ignore painful emotions in order to measure up to unrealistic holiday expectations, try normalizing the full spectrum of your emotions instead. Remind yourself that whatever you might be feeling in any moment, you are not alone. Many others are feeling just as you are. As human beings, we feel a variety of emotions on any given day, and that remains true during the holidays. We don't expect ourselves to be happy and joyful 24/7 any other time, so why do we do this to ourselves during the holidays?

Let your mantra this holiday season be "It's okay to feel however I feel." It's not only okay, it's the best way to move through your feelings and respond in healthy ways.

SOME THINGS TO TRY

• Try to catch yourself when apologizing for emotional expression, especially tears. Instead of saying you're sorry, validate your emotions by saying, “This is hard/painful for me,” or something similar. Or simply tell yourself silently, "Tears are a normal and necessary part of being human."
• When you see others celebrating and enjoying the holidays, or life in general—whether online or in person—be on guard against thoughts of comparison. It's said that we compare others' highlight reels with our behind-the-scenes realities. Remind yourself often that everyone is struggling with something, and we have no idea what others may be carrying despite outward appearances.

 
2. Become aware of your emotions and name them.
 
Dr. Dan Siegal, professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, has said that when it comes to unpleasant emotions, you have to “name it to tame it.” Science has shown that putting our feelings into words actually reduces the intensity of the emotions. Simply noticing and naming a feeling as it is happening decreases the stress in the brain and body caused by the emotion. When you name your feelings, you "tame" them by acknowledging them, enabling them to soften.
 
Most of us were not taught or encouraged to name our emotions, so it can feel awkward or even challenging for some of us. But with just a little intention, we can learn to do it. The key is to be persistent and patient with ourselves in the process.

SOME THINGS TO TRY

• Practice naming your feelings using a feelings chart or wheel (you can find one online; see the links below). Take a few minutes each day to name the emotions you have felt in the last 24 hours. Or save a feelings wheel on your phone and do several brief check-ins throughout the day. Look for an emotion on the wheel or chart that resonates with you in the moment, and then name it with non-judgmental awareness. Instead of criticizing or shaming yourself for how you’re feeling, simply say, "I'm feeling ________." This may be challenging at first, and that’s okay. It will become easier with time and practice.
  

1. Feelings Wheel
2. Feelings Chart
   

• If you try using a feelings wheel or chart but still find it challenging to identify your emotions, you might try a somatic approach. As Bessel van der Kolk explores in his book The Body Keeps the Score, emotions are stored in the body until they are processed and released. For this reason, some people find body awareness to be a helpful way to tap into emotions. Here's a somatic exercise for identifying emotions.
  

3. Welcome your emotions.

Often we want to get rid of painful emotions, not welcome them. A common way we try to do this is through positive thinking. Yet despite popular opinion, positive thinking is not an effective way to handle emotions if it keeps us from authentic emotional expression. An emotion must be acknowledged and witnessed in order to be released. Positive thinking without this honest witnessing is more like emotional bypassing. We do a similar thing when we use scriptures or religious platitudes as a way to avoid painful emotions—called spiritual bypassing.

Though it may sound counterintuitive, welcoming your emotions helps you move to a place of authenticity, non-judgmental awareness, and acceptance—all of which fosters healing.  Though some are reluctant to welcome emotions because they are afraid they will get stuck in those feelings, the opposite is actually true. Welcoming emotions reduces internal conflict and resistance, allowing us to benefit from our emotions and move through them.

SOME THINGS TO TRY

• Mary Mrozowski has written a beautiful prayer called the "Welcoming Prayer" that helps us to acknowledge our emotions without judgment or criticism as we welcome God's presence and activity in the midst of them. Become familiar with the three steps within the prayer and practice them regularly:
  

1. Focus, becoming aware of your emotions and thoughts.
2. Welcome all feelings and thoughts and bodily sensations.
3. Let go of your desire to fix or control what is and open yourself to the loving presence of God, trusting God's grace and healing action in the moment.

• When time and circumstances allow, pray the "Welcoming Prayer" in its entirety, sitting with each part of the prayer as long as needed.
  
• Look for a Longest Night, Blue Christmas, or Hope service at a church in your community. This service will be a place where you can welcome feelings that may not typically feel welcome at other holiday gatherings.
  
  

4. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.

In addition to naming and welcoming your emotions, it's important to allow yourself to truly feel everything that a particular emotional experience might elicit. Sometimes an experience will prompt conflicting emotions, such as a situation that causes you to feel both happy and sad for different reasons. Give yourself permission to honor every emotion. Every feeling is valid and requires expression if you are to move through it. Feeling our emotions moves us to a place of integration and healing rather than disintegration and internal chaos.

Because most of us are unable to plumb the depths of our emotions in the moment, we must be patient and give ourselves space, over time, to sit with our emotions as we're able. Depending on the emotion or experience, it might take days, weeks, months, or perhaps even years to give full expression to our feelings.

When it comes to feeling our emotions, slower is faster. Rather than speeding through the process, give yourself permission to feel your feelings in manageable increments over time—for as long as it takes. Rather than predetermining the ending date for the process, trust that it will take as long as it takes, and that God will guide you.

During the holidays, this means giving yourself permission to choose the activities you're able to participate in and those you are not. It means allowing yourself time and space to feel your feelings. And it means letting go of expectations and outcomes, which  can inhibit our true feelings.

SOME THINGS TO TRY

• If you've had a loss or otherwise taxing emotional experience, schedule times on your calendar when you can hold space for your emotions. Holding space for your emotions might look like...
  • sitting in silence (perhaps in a beautiful space)
  • taking a walk
  • listening to music that moves your soul
  • praying, meditating, journaling
  • stretching or exercising
  • expressing yourself creatively or artistically
  • reading a book
• However you choose to hold space for your emotions, give yourself the permission and freedom to respond  to any feelings that come in whatever ways feel safe and right to you. Setting a timer frees you from watching the clock or worrying that you will get carried away by your emotions. Rather than forcing yourself to feel something or cry during these scheduled times, simply allow space for any emotions to surface. Even if no emotion comes, you still have honored your emotions by holding space for them.
• In addition to planned times for holding space for your emotions, leave margin in your days—time segments when nothing is planned—to allow additional space for emotions to surface. Pockets of silence and solitude help us attend to what is happening within us, especially during the busy holidays.
• As much as you can, be open and receptive to moments when emotions present themselves spontaneously. Perhaps you are talking with someone, listening to a song, reading scripture, or watching a movie when, suddenly, emotion is unmistakably present. This can happen often during the holiday season. If possible, let the feelings—and the tears—come. Remember that it's okay to feel however you feel and tears are a cleansing gift, bringing release and healing.
• Resist the urge to apologize for your emotion or tears. Instead, simply acknowledge your emotion without feeling you must explain or share details. If those present are safe (i.e., they will not judge or try to fix your feelings), you might allow them to bear witness to more of your emotion as you receive whatever loving presence they offer. If they are unsafe (i.e., they will judge or try to fix your feelings), or if the moment is not an appropriate time to allow further emotional expression, simply excuse yourself temporarily  so you may honor and express your emotions in private, gather yourself, and then return.

5. Get curious about your emotions and listen to them.

Your emotions are messengers bringing information essential to your healing and wholeness. All emotions, particularly those you would rather avoid, are here to tell you about your hurts, wounds, needs, and desires. They are guides leading you to parts of yourself that need healing.

Instead of being critical or judging your emotions, move to curiosity. Listen to them as you would to a good friend, and learn what they need you to know. Only then will you be able to respond in a compassionate and beneficial way.

One of the reasons we resist our emotions is we're afraid they will take us over and overwhelm us. Often the opposite is true. When we stop trying to suppress, numb, or control our emotions and allow them to have a voice, they tend to soften. The parts of our soul that are holding emotion want to be heard, and when we are willing to listen, often it is no longer necessary for them to be loud or unreasonable.

SOME THINGS TO TRY

• When you're aware of a particular emotion, such as sadness, simply ask, "What do you want me to know, sadness? What do you have to tell me or teach me?"  Rather than searching for an answer, simply let a response come to you. Be open to whatever comes, whether through words, images, or memories. Lay down resistance and let go of criticism, judgment, or defensiveness. Get curious about the emotion and your pain—and listen with compassion. Talk with God about whatever comes, trusting that the Holy Spirit is leading you throughout this process.
• Notice how you feel about a particular feeling. If you are sad, for example, are you embarrassed, ashamed, or angry about feeling that way? Are you critical, telling yourself you shouldn't feel that way? Often these secondary feelings can be an obstacle to our curiosity about the primary feeling. So, get curious about those feelings. "I wonder why I'm embarrassed/ashamed/angry for feeling sad?" or "I wonder why I don't think I should be sad? What am I concerned might happen if I feel this sadness?" Listen with compassion and talk with God about whatever comes.

6. Offer yourself self-compassion and understanding.

Once you have listened to your emotions with curiosity and compassion, you're better prepared to offer yourself self-compassion and understanding. For most of us, self-criticism comes much more easily than self-compassion. We tend to  beat ourselves up for faults, both big and small. But according to psychologist Kristin Neff, self-criticism comes at a price, making us anxious, dissatisfied with life, and even depressed.*

The key to offering yourself self-compassion and understanding is treating yourself with the same kindness and caring support that you would show to someone you care about. Doing this regularly leads to genuine care for your own well-being, producing deep emotional benefits.


SOME THINGS TO TRY

• Interrupt negative self-talk, asking yourself if you would say that to someone else, much less someone you care about? Then imagine what you would say to a good friend who was feeling as you do, and offer that encouragement and comfort to yourself.
• Wear a bracelet or rubber band on your wrist. When you catch yourself in negative self-talk or self-criticism, particularly about how you are feeling, move the bracelet from one arm to the other. Become aware of how often you are doing this throughout the day.
• Adopt the self-compassion golden rule: Be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you would to a close friend.
• Remember that not everyone will understand your feelings or validate them. So why not look to yourself first for the emotional validation you both need and deserve.

7. Allow your emotions to be witnessed by God and others.

Witnessing is an invaluable step when it comes to processing our emotions and moving toward healing. God designed us for relationship, and we find healing as we allow God and safe people (those who will not judge us or try to fix us) to witness our pain with love and compassion. As someone who has tended to push down grief all my life, this is something I'm stepping into more intentionally myself.

Though my father passed away almost four years ago, recently I sensed God inviting me to allow my unprocessed grief to be witnessed in community by attending a grief group at my church. On the week when we shared our stories, I was amazed by the depth of emotion that surfaced as I shared the account of my father's death despite the passage of time. I experienced how valuable it is for grief to be witnessed, validated, and comforted even after the passing of time. When there are unprocessed emotions, there is a need for them to be witnessed.

Depending on your life experiences, you may find it easier to share with others before  you're ready to be completely real with God about how you're feeling, even if you know that God knows already. If wounds have affected your image of God or your ability to trust God, you may find it helpful to share with a trusted person before baring your soul to God in prayer. Or you may find it easier to be vulnerable and authentic about your emotions  with God first, which helps prepare you to share later with others. As others see us, hear us, and are with us in our pain, they serve as conduits of the loving presence of God, creating healing experiences.

SOME THINGS TO TRY

• Identify one or more persons in your life who listen well and offer compassion, and plan some time with them regularly—not just "as needed." Particularly during the holidays, spending time with safe and supportive people is essential. Be sure to listen well in return, remembering that lasting relationships are reciprocal.
• If you do not have anyone in  your life who can listen well and offer compassion, empathy, comfort, and care, then seek someone who has these skills. A spiritual director, counselor, pastor, or seasoned spiritual mentor should be able to hold space for whatever you may be feeling and thinking.
• Limit your time with, or set appropriate boundaries with, "unsafe people," those who are critical or controlling or threatening in any way. This can be particularly helpful during the holidays when we can feel pressured to spend time with those we may not consider to be supportive or conducive to our emotional or mental health. (If you need help making  such determinations or setting boundaries, a counselor, spiritual director, pastor, or spiritual mentor can be a helpful resource.)
• Spend regular time with God, coming just as you are. Be authentic and hold nothing back, remembering that God loves you unconditionally and completely. God sees you, knows you, and cares for you like no one else can. Allow God to offer you the comfort only God can give.

My prayer for you is that learning to befriend your emotions will help you to love yourself well, deepen your relationship with God, and experience greater healing and joy—in every season.

Recommended Resources:
(Click links below to read book descriptions)
The Voice of the Heart, Chip Dodd
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero
No More Faking Fine, Esther Fleece
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk
Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett

*"The Power of Self-Compassion," Jason Marsh, Greater Good Magazine, March 14, 2012.